My blog post today is an answer to an email sent by a reader. She wrote:
Dear Toria,
I’ve had a difficult year in many ways. The idea of making Christmas happen in the way my family has come to expect is overwhelming. But the moment I choose to cut back on buying gifts or decorating, I feel guilty.
Besides that, even though my grown children all have children of their own, they were shocked when I told them I’m not going to bake Christmas goodies this year. Now I worry that they’re disappointed I’m not baking. I work full time and I’m caring for my own mother. So I just don’t have the joy or energy to do the holiday thing right now.
Is there a way to let my family know that I have to significantly scale back the way I do Christmas this year?
Signed: Exhausted in El Paso
A reply to Exhausted in El Paso
Dear El Paso,
You have described full-time work, caring for your mother and a holiday workload that feels too large this year. You can make a smaller plan and tell your family what you are able to offer. Love does not require the same amount of baking, decorating or shopping every year.
In this article
1. Decide what you can offer
Choose the activities that fit your time, energy and resources now. You might want one shared meal, a short visit or a simpler way to exchange greetings. You can also choose not to host.
Consider the whole task, including preparation and clearing up. A plan that looks small on the calendar can still leave you with hours of work. Write down what you want to keep and what you are letting go of this year.
2. Say the limit clearly
Tell people early enough to make their own plans where possible. A clear message can include affection and a decision: “I love seeing you, and I am keeping Christmas smaller this year. I will not be baking or organising a large meal.”
You can explain the circumstances you want to share without preparing a defence of every choice. Try to distinguish what you have decided from an invitation to negotiate more tasks back onto your list.
3. Invite specific help without taking it all back
If you want to share an activity, ask who is willing to take responsibility for a defined part. Someone could choose to bring food, host a gathering or organise their own baking. Include planning and clearing up in the discussion, not just the enjoyable part of the task.
Wait for a clear agreement. If nobody offers to do an optional activity, it can remain undone. You do not have to quietly complete it yourself to prevent disappointment.
4. Leave room for reactions
Your children may miss a familiar tradition. You can acknowledge that without changing the limit: “I understand that you enjoy the baking. I am not able to do it this year.” Their disappointment does not by itself show that your decision is unkind.
The NHS guidance on maintaining healthy relationships encourages considering what support you are able to offer and setting boundaries around it. You can care about someone while keeping your own capacity in view.
5. Use Five Elements imagery as a planning prompt
If the Five Elements Philosophy helps you reflect, Earth can prompt a question about connection and care, while Wood can prompt a question about planning and limits. You can ask, “What matters to me about this gathering?” and “What arrangement would make that manageable?”
You do not need a fixed elemental label to explain being tired. The framework does not determine how much you should give or make you responsible for everyone’s holiday experience.
6. Keep the plan workable as the holiday approaches
Review any agreed tasks and resist adding an activity only because it used to be part of the tradition. If circumstances change, tell people what needs to change in the plan too.
Leave room for rest and for the kinds of contact you actually want. A quieter visit or a different celebration may be meaningful, and you can also need time on your own. Choose a version of the holiday that fits this year’s life.
Love, Toria